These articles were written by Kristen and published in international and national magazines, where they were subjected to an editors eye. Here we find them in their raw form.

American Skiing Vacation —Kristen Ulmer

So you want to visit America and go skiing? Great idea! We have all this powder and lots of big hotels and we’re ready for you- so come on over and bring plenty of yen! But here’s a warning- this is America, we do things different here. If you don’t come prepared with some key information, you may wind up sticky, broke and confused.

Which, actually, might not be so bad.

Okay, let’s get started. First of all, prepare yourself for all the fast food joints and all you can eat buffets. Piles of artificial flavorings and beef fat melted together into tasty vats of “cuisine” are sitting, waiting for YOU, this very moment. And umh-umh, does it taste good! Even if you stay at a resort and intend to eat only filet mignon, just driving to and from the airport you’ll be sucked in. Big yellow and orange signs beckon, and only the strongest of wills can resist. Besides, fast food is the essence of the American cultural experience- how could you not want that?

But thank God you’ll be skiing- so you can burn the extra lard that accumulates on your ass. You’ll need to look the best you can, of course, so you can attract members of the opposite sex while on your American ski vacation. Here’s the bad news- the only way to get laid is to answer to the inevitable all-American question: “So, what do you DO?” with the words: “I’m a doctor.”

I’m talking about the men of course. Women vacationers just need breast implants and bleached hair. But for men, without this job title, the only women in America who will have sex with you are the white trash folk. They’re easy to spot- just look for women who remind you of Kid Rock. The good news is, while having sex expect a lot of tequila, broken lamps and dogs barking. The bad news is- because birth control is seldom used amongst the white trash, you’ll likely father an unwanted child, which will put an abrupt end to your happy vacation.

That said, the best way to meet non trashy members of the opposite sex, is to prepare in advance by getting that boob job, or by going to medical school. If you don’t have time for this, there are a few alternatives. You could:

* Turn up the twang- with a strong enough accent, most Americans will assume you’re royalty.

* Ski better than anyone on the mountain.

Okay, let’s say you want to try #3. Good idea! Now it’s time to go skiing.

In America, on a powder day, don’t move too slow on a traverse or you’ll be yelled at. If contemplating a cliff jump, don’t wait, just go, or someone else will grumble past you, attempting to prove they ski better than anyone on the mountain themselves, so they can get laid. Don’t expect to ski untracked powder at a ski resort either, unless you’re also willing to run a few people over. Remember, Americans face a lot of fear, in almost every aspect of society, and if they can’t get theirs, before you get yours, they will panic.

So get after it! Prove you got big balls and ovaries. Don’t even think of jumping a cliff unless it’s bigger and badder than the last guy or girl. And do it under a chair lift, or don’t do it at all.

Speaking of which, how’s your international health insurance? If you have none, once you break your femur while jumping off that cliff (for God’s sake, don’t scream or anything, people on the lift will know) don’t expect to get your bone pushed back in by a doctor. (Presumably because you have no health insurance, but possibly because they’re out getting laid).

The best bet is just amputation, really, which anybody on the street can perform once you’ve been refused treatment. You may lose you leg, but guess what? You can then hire a lawyer and win millions! It’s the American way to blame someone else, anyone, somehow, for the pain and suffering they’ve caused you by making you jump off that cliff, causing this amputation.

The bad news is, while the lawsuit goes down, you won’t be able to ski. Likely you’ll be back at the all-you-can-eat buffets, trying to hide your confusion in a mound of food. This is dangerous territory by this point, because by the time you win your millions, you may be so fat and addicted to quarter-pounders, you won’t be able to enjoy your new money.

Not to worry though. Within seconds, any number of big boobed, blond women (maybe a foreigner with a heavy accent?) or swarthy white trashers will come along willing to help you spend it. Here’s where the real ski vacation begins! Medical school, schmedical school, you got all you need.

And then, once the money is spent a few months later (Camero’s ain’t cheap), your ski vacation will finally end. Drag your one leg and 200-pound gut (‘scuze me- 80 kilo gut) back home as a souvenir, keep sending child support to Tawny, and reminiscence over your trip for years to come with fondness and longing.

Yes, our country is so powerful we’ll suck the cash, spirit and energy out of the world, then send you home enchanted. When the mystique dies down in a few years, just please don’t try to kill us.