These articles were written by Kristen and published in international and national magazines, where they were subjected to an editors eye. Here we find them in their raw form.

Partying and Skiing —Kristen Ulmer

This is a story about partying, and it begins with Kent and Keith. As good buddies, they went to Alaska last year to heli ski.

Kent is a bulldozer. He skis so strong and is so good looking- confident women are usually reduced to giggling, wordless fools in his presence. Keith is a small, red headed guy with a permanent smile who would make an excellent host for a kids show.

As the story goes: After a long, steep, powder day, of course they were both happy and hammered in the bar by 10:00pm. Kent, upon seeing Keith across the room, suddenly felt a great burst of affection for his friend, and decided he was going to walk over, grab Keith’s collar, and see if he could rip off his shirt.

All Keith knew, was here came big ‘ol Kent, and Keith was now being shaken up and down from the fabric around his neck.

Keith did what any sane, asphyxiating, drunk, red headed skier would do; he grabbed Kent and flung him to the ground in one well timed karate move, which unfortunately tore cartilage in Kents’ knee.

The next morning, as Kent drank water and packed his bags for home and a good doctor, and as Keith was being dubbed “Keith the Cartilage Crusher” by the other hungover skiers, the obvious question arose:

Wasn’t the heli skiing enough?

Why didn’t the boys just ski to the edge of total Alaskan destruction, then spend the rest of the night eating a nice steak, talking about how much they rip, and maybe playing a quick game of Parcheesi?

They couldn’t do that because skiers party. Skiing is the mashed potatoes and partying is the gravy. Skiing without partying would be Pamela without big boobs- still a good time but just, missing…something. If Hollywood makes a ski movie, parties are always part of the plot- complete with the dashing lead walking around in a turtleneck sweater and some drunk, irritated guy in the corner with a broken leg. Ski magazines constantly publish photos of girls in one piece suits that have been folded down to reveal bikini tops, as they hold up pints while sitting on a huge wooden deck, presumably screaming “whoooo.” Ski heroes who take themselves too seriously like Giarardeli and XX are accused of having a stick up their butts, while renowned partiers like Tomba and Mosely are Gods.

Oh yeah, show up at any ski area with a case of Red Bull, and you’re guaranteed a dozen new best friends. But, one has to wonder, why?

To understand Kent and Keith though, we have to dig deeper. We have to ask the ultimate question: do skiers like to party, or do partiers just like to ski?

Let’s start with case #237, John (no last names because he’s now a born again Christian and considers Skiing the devil, which of course, it is). John, a soft spoken, needle-thin kid who probably had a bad case of zits in high school, discovered in his early 20’s that he had a real talent for the sport. Not the type to flaunt his skills (not even the type to speak, period), he was quickly discovered by cameramen who filmed him jumping off 120 foot cliffs and hammering about the mountains. Sure enough, one thing led to another, and pretty soon he became a famous professional skier, and yes, about this time he also started pulling all nighters. One friend complained; “we were in a hotel room on a ski trip, and I woke up to find John was peeing on my face! That F***er thought I was the toilet.” Another time, in Johns words “I had sex in a hot tub with a woman who was NOT my wife (John wasn’t married). In fact, it was a girl I barely knew.”

Before you could say the words “ossifer, twasn’t me,” John was over his head in body fluids. For a man like John, one not preprogrammed to party, this sunk his ship right to the bottom. Within a few years of having reached stardom, he called his sponsors, said goodbye, and quit skiing cold turkey. He quit for good- because if you ski, you will party- which is evil. John now spends his time surrounded by pleasantries such as bibles and virgins- which is good.

Moving on… perhaps partiers just like to ski. Case study #355; Brad. Brad was raised without supervision, and was probably saying the F word by the time he was 8. Brad also became a professional skier; but one covered in Tattoos, listening to the type of music you kill your parents by. Brad probably puts whiskey in his camelback.

Pissed-off guys like Brad have to do something with their energy. He could have joined a gang and rolled down the street with his homies cappin’ Five-Oh his whole life. He also could have become a heroin addict, or hey, maybe even one of those guys who steals your car stereo. Thank the local ski pusher though, for someone had the good sense to hand Brad a pair of skis before he turned crisp. Sure, Brad still parties a lot, he has to. But also put him at the top of a mogul course and watch him sneer. He just wants to $%#@ that *&%$ up! He pounds through the bumps, he pounds through the whiskey- it’s all the same. But one thing’s for sure, if he didn’t have skiing, he’d probably be in jail or he’d probably be slamming the door right now and walking away from some twelve step program because he thinks step two is pure crap.

So let’s see; we have John, who is probably singing a carol at this very moment, and Brad, who’s happy so long as he’s not injured (and when that happens, clear the streets). We also have Keith the Cartilage Crusher and Kent the gimp and well, what we don’t have is conclusions.

Okay, we do know this; Skiing and partying go together like Pimps and Ho’s. You can’t have one without the other. As long as there is skiing, there will be guys throwing backflips and throwing parties and throwing up, and well, there’s just going to be a lot of throwing going down. That’s the skiers way.

At 2 am, Golfers will never scream “Yeah buddieeeeeee, lets jump in the car, drive north, dig a snow cave and sleep in it, then wake up tomorrow and swing some clubs!.” Joggers will never throw crotch grabs down the path or dress in clown suits on April Fools day.

As for the true reasons why skiers are prone to such phenomenon, don’t worry- Scientists have almost separated the skiing and partying genes in lab rats, and with the use of miniature skis and easy-to-break out of cages, we may have answers soon. In the meantime, I’ve personally applied for a government grant to study this phenomenon. A million from them, a lot of Red Bull and vodka fund raisers, and I promise me and my friends will get to the bottom of something.